February 03, 2010
goodbye fuck you letter
since you often speak of the "truth" and "reality" - then here is a little dose for you.
in the several months we have known each other, you have lied to me constantly. trust me, i noticed them. you have made promises and broken them. i have spent countless hours waiting in my car for you to show up. you have had little to no regard for my well-being or happiness.
why didn't i ever say anything? well, because i thought to myself originally "wow, this guy has a lot on his plate, he's under a lot of stress, i'm not going to add to it with anything that would upset him." so i just let this "relationship" take it's course and have become stressed and unhappy myself.
i have been NOTHING but kind and wonderful to you. i have been infinitely patient with you, been at your beck and call, and have done everything you have asked me to - from sex, to massages, to driving out to canton to see you, to apartment hunting for you, to listening to you talk about nothing but yourself and your problems. you have RARELY shown an interest in me or my life.
i am just too nice. and i really tried to keep my feelings out of this and understand what this was, and what i was to you. which isn't much. i'm not an idiot, despite how ditsy i may have acted when you blew me off or broke promises and i just seemed fine with it.
but i am a very emotional, loving person who cannot keep feelings out a relationship, and these past few months have taken a toll on me, especially lately with your constant mixed signals. i have tried to ask you what this thing was between us, and i did in little ways, but again, i didn't want to put any pressure on you, and i really and truly tried to enjoy it for what it was...but i don't think i ever figured it out.
nights with you would go from: we'll have lots of sex. i'll take you to breakfast in the morning. we'll do yoga together. to....sex once. pizza for breakfast. (oh and a doughnut once). and ignoring me until it was time for you to leave. if you didn't want to "date" me or have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then you shouldn't have suggested taking me to dinner. or to a movie. or holding me in bed. or saying you want to take me shopping. or asking me to go on vacation with you!!!
i have been over and over this situation in my head countless times, trying to figure it out...to no avail. if this was just about having someone to fuck and complain to, then you should have just told me so, and it would have made this so much easier for me.
you like to talk about other people a lot, but one thing i have noticed about you is that you don't seem to take criticism very well, so i'm sure this email won't be well received, but hey, it needed to be said.
i think i feel really used. and exhausted. when is someone going to take care of me for a change? emotionally and financially? i started to think after a while that a mistress should at least get more money for her time and effort and kindness...but aside from some occasional food and drinks, i didn't get much in the way of that either. i'm not greedy, i'm just REALLY poor, and you were more than happy to show me how much money you could drop on suits and a laptop, etc.
you have no idea how tight money is for me. no fucking clue. you talk about how hard you work, and i think you do. and i'm not trying to undermine your level of stress, or your fucked up life. but mine is too! i work two jobs, go to school, and i have to go home to my parents house at the end of the night. my car is close to breaking down, and i'm deep in debt.
it's shocking to think that i have gained NOTHING in the past few months with you. i have only lost. i've lost respect for myself for letting this go on so long when i knew it was only a matter of time before you tired of me and dumped me. i've lost hours and hours waiting for you in various cities. i've lost money from driving to canton and skipping work to see you. and what have i gained? some food and some wine? a twenty here and there for gas? some cigarettes?
i was foolishly hoping i would gain a boyfriend. or at the very least a kind and generous lover. or a friend. i've been all those to you....and i hope you acknowledge that.
no affection from you...nothing returned to me. except sex. which yeah is great, and i think that's what i'm really going to miss. but again, when i had sex with you i wanted to feel more connected...but you feel the way you feel which is FINE. i just wish you could have been honest with me at some point. once. have you ever told me the truth about anything? ugh. it's insulting.
anyway...this rant has been building and building for a long time. and again, i hope you realize how i am not a bitch, even when i'm writing a letter like this. it may seem like you could walk allllllll over me, but i was sitting patiently and seeing where things would lead with us. but i notice. and i don't forget. and i'm a tough fucking cookie when all is said and done.
and i'm done. good luck to you in life, i truly mean that. i wish things could have been different with us.
needingalex at 2:07 a.m.