November 20, 2006
why i love fiona apple
I�m writing this letter with the faintest hope that you�ll actually receive it. Whenever I even begin to think of what to say to someone I admire as much as you I figure that my voice would meld with everyone elses and my heartfelt compliments would mean nothing to you.
I�m a writer at heart, and frankly, I hate imagining that my words could ever be taken lightly, ignored, or thought of as similar to anyone elses. I�m sure as an artist you dread not being able to stand apart wit your music. Especially when your lyrics are (I�m assuming) so personal. But since I�m going to your concert tonight I decided to go for it and tell you why your music means so much to me.
I�ve always struggled with depression. When I was 15 years old I hit my all time low. The disorder, coupled with teen angst and the overwhelming prevalence of it in everyone else in high school as well, led me to do all sorts of things I never considered doing before and especially now.
Circumstances didn�t lead me to drug or alcohol abuse, but I feel that my problems were so greatly focused on myself that those things didn�t even warrant a closer look. I took all my anger, self-loathing, and sadness out on myself, and looking back at my 450+ online diary entries also confirm my latter fear of being like everyone else. I resented the fact that teen depression was so rampant. I felt that most (but not all) of my peers who claimed to also suffer from depression didn�t know what they were talking about and were taking more normal high school woes and blowing them out of proportion for attention - among other reasons which I won�t delve into.
I felt like I was standing in a crowd of thousands of teenagers who were all screaming: �I�m depressed My boyfriend broke up with me � and �I�m depressed My parents are getting a divorce and I got an F in school � while I�m standing there saying: �I�m depressed because I�ve always been.�
I was a sophomore in high school who was failing nearly all of her classes, who had chronically low self-esteem, no friends, no (nor had there ever been) love interests, who was cutting herself, constantly thinking of depression, over-dosing, forming unhealthy relationships and obsessions and who was just miserable all around.
One day in the winter of 2001, my older brother who was on leave from the air force, left your CD, �Tidal�, with me the day he went back to south carolina for duty. I immediately feel in love with it and had never heard anything like it before. I admired you (and of course still do) for your beautiful and raw talent.
I�ve come such a long way since being that awkward, lonely 15 year old. Today I�m a healthy, happy 20 year old. I�ve been through counseling and I take lexapro every day to help maintain my mood. I�ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man named Jason for four years and I credit a good part of my recovery to his love for me.
I will admit this story doesn�t focus around your music saving me in any way. But it was with me the whole time through my battle. Ever since that winter night when I first listened to �never is a promise� which had me crying.
Recently Jason asked me why I liked your music because it was so depressing. He read this letter and asked how depressing music could help a depressed girl.
I explained to him that I didn�t know what your lyrics were referring to. Even though it�s obvious that there�s a lot of heartbreak and sadness in your songs, your lyrics are so poetic that I could never assume for sure what your ballads are in reference to. But I would always seem to match them to things that I was going through and make the lyrics personal to me.
Their beauty inspired me to write countless poems and brought out every emotion possible in me.
So my relationship with your music was never along the lines of �her music is so sad, I�m sad too.� it was always �she turned her sadness and anger into something beautiful.�
The more I listened to your music, the more nights I spent writing stories and poetry and singing...instead of crying and cutting myself and obsessing.
So that�s the bottom line of what I wanted to convey to you. I also wanted to thank you and urge you to realize what amazing talents you have and to never stop making music.
The only downside is that since I lack talent, all that time I did spend writing and singing didn�t really get my anywhere tangible. But that doesn�t really matter to me. Since I�m happy and healthy now, I�m finding other talents in myself.
No, I�m not a good singer. But I�ve been singing your songs with passion for five years.
No, I�m not a great writer. But I�ve been inspired by you and the world around me to keep writing.
I�ve enclosed a few of my poems for you to read. Please don�t worry about copyrights or anything. I want so much just to share them with you. Even if you did steal anything from them I would feel nothing but honor. But since my words can�t even match yours I�m not really worried. You inspire me, not the other way around.
Thank you so much for your music, your words, and your voice. I wouldn�t be who I am today without them.
Sincerely,
Alicia Alexandria Bland
needingalex at 12:12 a.m.